If you’ve been following along, we’ve been talking about anger lately. This is my final installment on this topic for awhile (then again, who knows).
It’s not unusual for us to get stuck in anger. That seems to be a pretty normal part of being human. Of course, there’s a spectrum–one could be stuck for a day, and one could be stuck for 10 years.
I’ve seen both, and I’m sure you have, too.
It’s safe to say we’ve all been stuck in anger for at least a day or two somewhere along the line.
Then again, many are so emotionally unaware that they don’t know they’re stuck in anger. In fact, they don’t even know they’re angry in the first place.
Something I’ve heard more than once over the years, that leaves me simultaneously scratching my head in curiosity as well as chuckling, is when someone says, “No I’m NOT angry, I’m just MAD”.
Sometimes we go to great lengths to deny our anger, even to the point of inventing false delineations.
Today we’re focusing on one idea: sometimes anger outlives its purpose in our lives.
I’ll explain, but first . . .
REVIEW
In order for this statement to make sense, we must review something we’ve previously discussed: what anger is, and what anger’s purpose is.
In The Gift of Anger, I said that anger does 2 things:
- alerts us that there’s a problem
- energizes us so that we can address the problem that it just alerted us to
Now, as I’ve said in the Gift of Anger, at times anger may be about more than these 2 things, but it’s always at least about these 2 things.
In that same article, I also said that the ultimate purpose for anger is to keep us safe. It’s a “warning signal” that there’s a potential threat of some kind (often a threat of loss), and that our brains prepares us for action against this threat.
Anger is designed for it to remain activated as long as the problem (ie, the threat) is present. If this is the case, then once the threat recedes, so should the anger.
Of course, life isn’t always this simple, is it? Sometimes the actual threat HAS receded, but we’re still angry because of its effect, and the mess we’re left with in the aftermath.
The “contrails” of anger may take a period of time to dissipate. Our hearts and minds may need time to catch up with reality.
We may need time to digest the “chunky” reality of what happened, especially if deep loss is involved.
We understand this. Sometimes the harshness of reality lingers, despite the fact that the threat has left and the page has been turned.
But for all intents and purposes, anger has done what it was designed to do–it alerted us that there was a problem afoot.
And since anger’s job has been fulfilled, it serves no further purpose for being there–at least not a purpose that leads us to thrive and flourish.
If anger continues in these situations, then anger is outliving its purpose.
WHY DO WE HOLD ON SO TIGHTLY SOMETIMES?
There are times that an event is so disturbing and the threat is so impactful and violating that it shakes us to our core. Perhaps it takes us into a trauma experience.
These are the difficult cases of anger. We’ll discuss this further another time. For now, though, we’ll deal with a complicated topic in a short article by saying this: we often remain angry because, at its root, anger is also a “protest emotion”, and we haven’t finished protesting yet.
When something “bad” happens to us, after the initial shock, the next thing we feel is anger. This anger is a protest that what just happened is wrong, unfair, unjust, etc.
This is normal, and this is healthy.
And until we work through this, and make sense of it, or take action on it, or do whatever we need to do to move on from it, we’ll remain in the anger.
This happens when people “nurse” their anger and keep feeding it by reminding themselves over and over about the wrong they’ve suffered.
Of course, this has the potential to put them in the “danger zone” of harming themselves or harming others.
Harming themselves, how? By continuing to elevate their blood pressure; changing their views of reality and certain people into ones that are irrational; possibly damaging relationships. And, all the “ripple effects” of these things.
Harming others, how? By taking revenge on someone, in whatever form is decided. Which can then bite them in the backside, and return them to actually harming themselves.
HOW CAN WE DEAL WITH THIS DIFFICULT ANGER?
We’ll have to cover this in a future article. So then, contrary to what I said in the beginning, it looks like we WILL be talking about anger again 🙂
Here’s a teaser: in order to move on from these difficult cases of anger in a way that neither harms ourselves or others, and in a way that leads to thriving emotionally and relationally, we need to figure out how to transition out of the anger and into the sadness that is often asleep underneath the anger.
More to come. Until then, keep living the adventure my friends.