Victor or Victim?

In order to succeed, there are certain mindsets we MUST have.  These mindsets involve the attitudes and core beliefs that form the foundation of who we are, informing how we approach life and the world at large.

These mindsets determine the boundaries we set with others and with ourselves, the choices we mindfully make, and the actions we execute.

In essence, if we maintain healthy mindsets–ones based in reality rather than on our own skewed, messed up, irrational thinking–we are setting ourselves up for experiencing a life that overcomes obstacles and frequently tastes victory rather than always living under the thumb of circumstances and hardship.

I’m talking about the difference between living as a Victor rather than living as a Victim.  There are some huge differences between the two.

A Victor takes responsibility for his life.  If he blows it, he owns it.  He looks reality squarely in the eye and speaks the truth about where and how he fell short.

A Victim blames everyone and everything but himself.  He owns nothing, or too little.  He avoids looking at reality to the degree that he needs to. He conveniently lies to himself to avoid feeling shame  (NOTE: this is NOT to say that every difficulty we have is always our fault.  Of course not.  Sometimes it’s truly not our fault at all!  We own what we need to own and embrace blame and falling short ONLY where it’s appropriate to do so.  One thing is DEFINITELY FOR SURE, though.  Even if we’re in a difficult situation because of someone else, WE are still responsible to solve OUR problem because it’s OUR problem, regardless of who caused it!  It may not be “fair”, but as I’m sure all of our mothers said at one point or another, ”life’s not fair”.  Deal with it).

A Victor stands in their own power and draws on their inner strength and resources.

A Victim doesn’t embrace and use the power and strength he already has, so he stays stuck.

A Victor has the wisdom to ask for help if his strength and resources aren’t up to the task of overcoming whatever obstacle is in the way.  Yes, it’s wise to ask for help when we need it and foolish to not do so.  We all are finite and have limits—no real super-heroes among us.  If I can’t push my car out of the snow, no matter how hard I push, it’s foolish to continue with that solution.  I need help.  Or, I can injure my back and shoulder, get frostbite, and STILL have a car that’s stuck in the snow.  Brilliant.

A Victim doesn’t ask for help.  Ok, you get it.  Foolish.  Men, take note—you know what I’m talking about.  It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help when you need it.  It’s a sign of strength.  You’ll get your car out of the snow much faster so you can be on your way.  What “stuck car” are you reluctant to ask for help with?

A Victor learns from her mistakes.  This is part of the ownership process.  She reviews what went wrong and becomes wiser by accurately evaluating what she did and didn’t do, but could have done differently.

A Victim never seems to learn.  She resists seeing herself as part of the problem because it feels too shameful to do so—she gets stuck in self-attacking shame.  She can’t get past beating herself up for blowing it.

A Victor gets his focus on the future as quickly as possible.  True, as we’ve said, he DOES need to look at his past shortcoming long enough to learn from it.  But once he’s digested the lesson, he MOVES ON!  There’s nothing else to look at!  It’s like driving by an accident on the highway—ok, you see what happened, move on!  Don’t gawk at your problems once you’ve learned from them.  If you want to look at artifacts, GO TO A MUSEUM!  But don’t create a museum in your mind of all your screw-ups.

A Victim focuses on the past—yes, past mistakes.  He’s got that museum-thing going on in his head.  The name of the museum is “All My Wonderful Screw-Ups”.  West wing—relationships I’ve screwed up.  East wing—jobs I’ve screwed up.  Etc.  There’s probably a tour guide—“And on the right, we see Joe’s biggest screw-up, his magnum opus.  Quite a beauty.  See how Joe’s life is going up in flames . . . “

A Victor is optimistic about the future.

A Victim is pessimistic about the future.

A Victor is prepared.  She is ready for what life throws at her.  Why?  Well largely because of everything we’ve looked at up to this point—she’s learned from her past mistakes, she’s not stuck in the past, she’s not shackled by shame, she’s confident in her own resources and has people to help when she needs it.

A Victim is rarely prepared.  Life seems to always catch her by surprise.  The same “lessons” keep showing up, begging to be learned, but she keeps missing it.  She’s swinging at the ball with her eyes closed.  Better yet, her eyes are closed and she’s not even swinging.  Better still, her eyes are closed, she’s not swinging, and she’s not even facing the pitcher.

A Victor is proactive.  He initiates, rather than waits.  He takes the offensive position.  Thus, he “scores points”.

A Victim is reactive.  He only acts in response to someone or something else.  He takes the defensive position.  He’s always waiting and never initiating.  He never “scores”, but is only concerned with preventing “bad things” from scoring too many points.

Related to the last point, a Victor takes risks–smart ones.

A Victim rarely takes risks.  He always goes for the safe option.  If he ever does take a risk, it’s a foolish risk.

I could go on.  But this is a good starting point, with enough for all of us to ponder for now.  What would you like to add to our list?